You need to handle this with as much clarity and dignity as you can muster, and you know whats best. He didnt have time for a relationship with me but within 2 weeks went back on the dating site we met on. My dilemma with him is will I go to is funeral when he dies. He replied were not over. My feeling is that it really doesnt matter what race, color, or creed we are. I would rather keep complete NC and not see him at all, rather than the nice and polite act. Why spend that much time and energy it's because there's still a grudge.". On some level what he did made you cringe, yet you are second guessing yourself. You may be drawn to him, but ask yourself why at this point. Bless you for your response. In the end,although support of safe others can help, there is nothing for it but to go through your pain. Haley Laferney is the Graphic Designer at Reach Out Recovery and a graduate of Ringling College of Art and Design. Take a minute. The painful memories have to gradually recede on their own. grudge - WordReference English dictionary, questions, discussion and forums. Thank you, Yoghurt- Your post makes 100% sense. Also, misspoke about 77it is 707, as you said. Surely ther. It's less. these are the effs I do not give. Thats what happened. A stronger immune system. Guys dont like being replaced either, even if it was his choice and a while ago. Good for you for not going along with that plan, because the outcome would have ultimately been much the same but you would feel worse. Not one time have I read any meanness or self-righteousness in any of your posts. It may not work out but I know MANY instances where it did. I was sexually abused by a family member on her side, and instead of protecting me, she wanted me to be quiet about it to keep the peace. But, I wasnt judging them or holding a grudge I just dont really like this group of people and cant see the point in revisiting anything with them at all. It was really tempting to seek him out tonight. But now they seem different, rebilitated. I felt a strong attraction to him from day one mentally and physically and its hard to forget about it even though hes been saying these offensive things. I used to give to both ACs too many chances, did they change, did I change?! We were never enough of anything for her. I was frightened of what people might say and looking like the bad one. Write it on the bathroom mirror if you have to. Frontiers in Psychology. Narc with more baggage than an airport. Ooh a theological debate. I really have no feelings towards her at all. life sucks. What if? AAAArrrrggggg!! the person who told you that is wrong. My aunt is a full-on proselytizing Catholic and it was on a bus full of Christian ladies headed to the casino that she hit me, which led me to decide to cut my visit short and take up in a hotel. However, we are not, as Christians, required to extend this forgiveness to unrepentant people, who in effect (and according to the Bible) become Gods enemies.. Im not angry and I forgive him not only for the mistakes he made, but also mine. The frenetic-ness of it seems almost like anxiety. I had to go into therapy just for thateven relatively short term impact can be hell! I feel awful at the moment and I dont want you or anyone else to even try to understand why. Of course, thats easier said than done.Forgiving doesnt mean you forget what happened, or that youve decided it wasnt actually that bad. My friends husband just asked me out! Hes made a couple of crumby attempts to contact me since he broke up with me and while initially I thought that would make me feel better, it didnt. Courtney- thank you so much for your wisdom I know I need to stay out of them soooooo hard. Learn. Thank you Natalie. A 2021 studyTrusted Source concluded that a greater level of forgiveness is associated with lower stress and better mental health. I'm Not Holding A Grudge, I'm Setting A Boundary. If you're mostly concerned with the other person understanding where you were coming from and ensuring that they see your side of things, that's another potential sign that you might be holding a grudge. But you (I), know damn well, to your very core You cant trust it. Unfortunately, there are too many single women involved with ACs that behave as if their kids are deaf and dumb. I am thinking he cheated on me and still has someone in his life and that is why he is not contacting me. Lets call sin by its name, shall we? He has shown you who he is, now act on it! It was not a playful act, its who he was. Sadly, in its effort to garner empathy, a grudge ends up depriving a. So glad youre out of that horrific situation. *Meditate if you dont already. I think in order to get over it, it needs to stop. How did that statement make you feel? Had to get to a point where I picked the most rotten man around and risk my life. Not consenting or withdrawing consent, may adversely affect certain features and functions. We can have good boundaries on one thing and ridiculous ones on something closely related. He said so. Youve said it a million times: No thanks, I dont want to do it. Youve told someone they have hurt you or been unfair. I am not beating myself up as much for breaking NC as I may have, though. You might not think that's what you're doing, but it very well could be. Oh lizzp, never intended to say the new guy doesnt have feelings! Im in similar boat to you here, will explain in a mo, but from what you write, this guy is disrespecting YOU not just all these apparent booty-women. There were only two or three large employers so it was almost inevitable. Thats how people meet. I felt wrongly safe in that I saw the way he was with women, and like you I found it was so excessive and crazy that it couldnt be serious, that it was an act to draw attention, that he was just being playful and enjoyed seeing my shocked/blushing faces, etc. by NATALIE | Oct 21, 2013 | Happiness & Self-Esteem | 180 comments. What your friends ex is probably trying to do is blacken her name, hurt her if you become friends with him etc etc. Hes not a nice guy and I allowed him to treat me like shit and get away with it.Infact, Im not even polite when I see him now I respond with a Hey because thats all he gives me and I am getting over thinking I am being a bitch for acting this way. Intelligent doesnt automatically mean healthy. I could not have made it without Natalies site and books and you alls posts! I really like this guy. But that isn't always the case. You will not get it. I finally get it now. Someone told me recently that we all seem to have a cross to bear in this lifetime. You can draw a boundary without being bitter. Well then, yes, I have decided that I wont ride that Ferris Wheel again.. It is constantly holding something over another person's head, not letting them recover from a past failure. Mothers who REALLY love their children, anyway. Dont make excuses for this idiot! A boundary is wiping that gum off, accepting the evidence that it was once there, but moving forward without that bump. I wouldnt friend zone this guy either, he doesnt sound like good friend material, he sounds like exactly what he says he is, an ass. To provide you with the most relevant and helpful information, and understand which You cannot treat people that way. Yet she did it anyway. "Putting too much cream in the coffee or fighting over the TV remote can turn into a major blow-up due to the backlog of unresolved feelings in the relationship.". In hindsight, I was trying to show the ex that I was a bigger, better person ( since he always mentioned thats how he was and only remembers the good in his relationships (how conveninent for him)). I have told all my friends that I wanted to hear none of it, and would not be able to participate in common friendships- since I dont see him as my friend. .What if they have changed? I believe that any credible christian teacher would say its absolutely fine for you to draw a line under this and cut contact. If the later, though I completely understand how you would feel, hes free to do as he pleases. This content does not have an English version. Why Hints Are Clues To What's Really Up With Your Relationship. We also stand to lose an opportunity to learn from who weve been at different points in our life because we keep squashing down truths out of fear of looking bad and even a sense of guilt that we remember something. Could you start up a relationship w someone who you did drugs w for years Finally get clean, and after all that damage and pain, try to be w them again? You dont have to settle just to not be alone. Boundary or grudge setting boundaries will get pushback When you share your feelings and your legitimate feelings make another person defensive, you are not being blamed for holding a grudge. After a 2 year relationship I recently ended the relationshiip and am trying no contact. Everyone thinks he is an absolutely fantastic husband, and I was lucky to have a man who was taking his kids here and there, putting out the bins, growing loads of his own veg, always smiling. I gather OLD has a lot of people who have that agenda. Its a broken world and there is no perfect answer to this messy situation, but a clean break is not more wrong than him messing with your head when there is no future. But I will feel better! For putting the people who actually do care about you, to the side while w whats his/her face. Acknowledge your emotions about the harm done to you, recognize how those emotions affect your behavior, and work to release them. Forgiveness is to be a liberator, an emancipator, a freer of spirits once shackled by mistakes of the past. Hes an ass. I realized Id only be going because I felt obligated to attend and not really because I wanted to see any of these people. Looking into the reasons why forgiving is not easy. "Take a look at the feelings that arise immediately after you think about an old friend, a past co-worker or an ex. Same people. Probably a Narc, with more baggage than an airport. . I was selfish. I replied just saying Its ok. Should I break the no contact? LOL Very true.Truth be told I do miss him but after reflecting on it, I really havent done anything wrong and further more the question is ..Is this Good for me? Ask your doctor, Forgiveness Letting go of grudges and bitterness. All I can do is send you and your children a great big hug and I know you are all going to be just fine, xxxx. These Are 5 Ways Narcissists Use Projection. holding a grudge = still being angry and bitter about the wrong someone did to you forgive but not forget = move on. Somehow it feels less amazing than we thought it would once we are over someone and they contact us, I think (Im not there yet, but so I have heard). Behaving just like a drug addict, withdrawing from the fix. I guess, Ive been so unwilling to accept that theres no future. Grace Thank you. He made sure that I never got what I wanted and needed. Vindication? Grudges can go from being minor (sibling rivalry, healthy competition) to borderline dangerous (thoughts of harming someone or seeing their demise in some way). Dont They Care About Me? If you allow negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by bitterness or a sense of injustice. Its finally over. This is the test to see if you're really holding a grudge. Dear ReadyForChange, your reply to the AC was SO self-possessed that he had to escalate his make her feel rejected plan. Needless to say, I did not return her call and havent spoken to her since. . Its not about you or anything you may have said or done. At all. Some people are naturally more forgiving than others. That means behaving in their ultimate best interests. It is constantly holding something over another person's head, not letting them recover from a past failure. If I read you right, this has to be said: PLEASE do not forget that the Big Bang nerdy new guy also has feelings and doesnt deserve to be strung along by a non-committed, emotionally unavailable, broken hearted (young?) I do still have thoughts of having a final dinner with him someday, though What is wrong with me?!! Dont waste your time with him. What i also know is that Ive come to this place where i am willing to compromise many times, but it never made the outcome any different. I dont want to risk, the consequences and possible damage that comes w that drug. Advertising revenue supports our not-for-profit mission. Harboring a grudge When people hold a grudge, they stay in the victim role and perpet- uate negative emotions associated with rehearsing the hurtful offense (Baumeister, Exline, & Sommer, 1998). He has no remorse for screwing up his kids childhoods. I believe his overtures to get together and willingness to have a conversation are just another attempt to hit the reset button as I allowed him to do after varying lengths of attempted NC in the past. What better reason can anyone need? Having gone through 30 days of NC with my neighbour who literally lives eight feet away from me, across the hall, I kept falling back into how much I must have hurt him by rejecting him. shattered you dont need anyones permission but do be prepared for a big let down or, worse, to be insulted. Twice previously, Ive tried to b a platonic friend w this twit post ending the r.ship w him (my call both times) & twice he acted poorly, leading me to withdraw & move on. Ive maintained NC but Im seething inside that he thinks its OK to just drop me and dismiss me as if I was nothing. A single copy of these materials may be reprinted for noncommercial personal use only. 2023 Copyright 2019 Reach Out Recovery, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Hi Demke, so did my daughter, in the end I wasnt allowed to even mention his name to her lol she really hated how angry he was, and when I said that I got angry as well she said yes but yours is a sad angrysuch a wise soul. Forgiveness is an act of faith. I feel very positive about the future, whether or not that includes a relationship with a man. Block him from all social networking sites and anything that allows you to see into his life. Never saw my best friend again. ! Because it really isnt as easy as that. This is drama and will go nowhere! If youre a survivor of abuse or trauma, the concept of forgiveness can be a complex topic to discuss. resentment noun. Im ususally the one trying to drag things out by conveniently forgetting that he was the one who used to nearly ignore me in the hallway, not call for days and then expect a hot night of sex,only to be gone the next day and not call again. When all is said and done, the best revenge is your own happiness and success. You speak your mind and I appreciate this about your posts. Dysfunction happens often in families where there is substance or alcohol use disorder. To me forgiveness is not making some epic thing about how she wronged me and making her somehow see that. Why? Try to step out of your own feelings for a moment and think about how the other person feels. Your comment as presented reads to me that you are not really considering how all this may affect new guy. My mother has always been narcissistic, verbally and emotionally abusive and neglectful. Hey, Im working on it. The bible also says to flee sexual immorality. The one who hurt them is "the enemy." It beats being vulnerable. A year of being single and not dating has changed my perspective of myself and what i am capable of. I think in Natalies earlier blog posts she talks about how we are usually attracted to people that somehow fulfill our beliefs about relationships/or qualities that we ourselves have or things we value. Right before she died, my Grandmother experienced another one of her frustrated, disgusted out of patience with your stupidity rants.she told her Bonnie, the way you spoke to me just then is why you will never have a relationship with your daughter. . We cant please everyone but the Lord sees my heart so Im good with it ! Yes, we have to forgive (up to 77 times which wasnt literal, but denoted the extremity of extending forgiveness) everyone, including our enemies, in the sense that we hold no hatred for them, (letting go as you mentioned), realizing that, if there is to be vengeance it is not ours, but Gods. Recovery is exhausting. It isnt rationalizing it all away by thinking the persons bad childhood is the reason the person is a bad person. So need this. I followed him. Having to go somewhat underground, watching my back, getting legal involved and emotionally bottoming out. The difference is that Ive chosen to use this painful experience to grow as a person and that usually means letting go of the past and never looking back. After 20 months, the XBF recontacted me when he was in town. For me, its BAD men. Im especially proud of you for considering your daughters feelings. The problem isnt dating a neighbour, its the stalking. Hes playing with your heart. In retrospect, I sure wish that I had maintained NC when he wrote me again after 20 months. The only emotion I have when I think of her is pity. It used to be incredibly hard, but when I think about all the hurt I felt, its easy, because I dont ever want to feel the way I felt when I was with him ever again. Love made you and love freed you, so never think that it is not meant for you.. Do yourself a huge favor: dont try to make him more than he is. But hopefully its a struggle worth winning. Done! The AC is not worthy of forgiveness, he never understood he did wrong and is pulling the same shite all over again with someone else. Lately however, Ive given myself permission not to like people for their behavior. Its more lime an addiction. She did not mention the message she had left me. May get me fired but someone has to take a stand not be a mindless, obedient doormat. After 14 months NC, including resisting polite invitations and helpful referrals (all phrased as though everything was honky dory between us), I broke NC via text randomly last month due to a clusterfuck practical circumstance. Youre right, sometimes these rebounds are objectified but I did not mean to do so. If he is a narcissist then you are feeding him. If your first reaction is negative, it's likely that there is an underlying reason that you feel that way, even if you can't recall what that reason is.". Good people should allow a person to have as many chances as they ask for and when our typical mode is people pleaser who worries too much about what everyone else thinks and silences their true self to follow shoulds laid down by the inner critic, we go against ourselves. Not doing it!You dont need to keep proving yourself or trying to earn their approval, and whoever you first learned to do this with taught you to believe you *had* to be a people pleaser. She left another message very late at night asking me if I got it and if I liked it. Just wanted to clarify. It focuses on the wrong thing. That means different things to different folks but if hes trying to touch you up for a bit on the side or fun at your expense, feel free to flee away! My story in short: Met my AC 3 years ago, and over the course of our on-off relationship what I found the hardest to handle was that he was cozying up to all my close friends, and appropriating my family of friends as his own. I am still hurting from this user, one year after he got what he wanted and just disappeared. Victim's perspective of forgiveness seeking behaviors after transgressions. I am going to be me and be in this true reality that I have found post-relationship. "Putting too much cream in the coffee or fighting over the TV remote can turn into a major blow-up due to the backlog of unresolved feelings in the relationship. Do you think its mature behavior? The first step is to honestly assess and acknowledge the wrongs you've done and how they have affected others.