My wife I encourage to have her hobbies and she is a nice person. Even to the point that when she gets sexually turned on it still causes her pain. If your wife never initiates physical contact, it could be that horror of horrors you may be bad in bed. Thats a humiliating feeling. Learn how your comment data is processed. Give her some time to destress by setting up a candlelit bath with her favorite essential oils and bath soak. She can just kiss my butt. I am NEVER ENOUGH so why even bother? Recently she will get naked and say I just want you to cum. Or you can try and find a willing partner. So therapy would be out of the question, and shed never think about going on anything like low dose hormone therapy. Just because one grows older doesnt mean that sex is over. married 57 years. , checking in with yourself is also good. So sorry to read this Pamela, Im in the same boat with my lovely wife, terribly depressing. If youre living with a gut feeling that your wife avoids intimacy on purpose, it may be time to take matters into your hand to rejuvenate your relationship. Thank you, great essay. 1. Perhaps there's a desire discrepancy between you, whether in general or just at this particular time in your lives, and you're both very aware of it. Emotional intimacy is a big factor in a happy marriage and a satisfying sex life. He thinks that his low testosterone is the cause of his actions or lack of. Noah loves to write on matters of the heart and mind. Ohh my! Reading some of the commentary I can identify with the concerns.I fantasize frequently about past relationships and what might have been but I only become sadder. It makes me sad, and we have talked it out and sadly there is just too much sadness and pain in our relationship for this situation to ever be resolved. Regards Glenn. If 2 people really love love,then they will find ways to please each other. }; Not addressing the problem out of fear of confrontation will only make matters worse. She has a degree in journalism from Northwestern University, and shes been trained and certified by leading sex and relationship institutions such as The Gottman Institute and Everyone Deserves Sex Ed, among others. People might think Im lonely but Im not, I work alone and I get all the right answers talking to my self. Am I ugly? My problem is my husband is still very much interested. The less stressed she is, the more free space she has in her mind to devote to all things naughty. I feel so much pain amd resentment!!! Hello Mary I can imagine how frustrating it it is for you.I am 65 years old and my wife is 64.My wife is on anti-depressants and she says that she has no desire for sex We have been married for 44 years now.I last had sex about 8 years ago My wife is a very beautiful woman and I am absolutely so frustrated and find that looking at porn and mastubating is not ideal anymore, What I need is a woman, but I am afraid to approach another woman for sex for the fear of rejection, I do not want to have sex with a prostitute. "Some of the pressure comes from the idea that you 'should' be having sex. This went on for years. The vast majority are trained to be misandrists and far too many are grotesquely unethical. On the other hand, another reason your wife is never in the mood may be related to menopause. My wife has offered to let me move on, the problem is I love her and everything else about our relationship. Awful!!! I realize this rant may seem to be about my needs, but I think I deserve the right to a fulfilling life. */ He is impotent due to hydrocele and he plans to have surgery until hes 65. Hello Hawkeye Best of luck to you! My biggest problem is that my wife is very, very against porn and at my age I cannot attempt to relieve my tension without it as a point of focus. They can go months and years without sex and then the menopause hits and then theyre completely done. I am 50 and she is 45 but she began having the same symptom that you described. I domt have to put up with that. The guy is a magnet! I understand completely!!!! I just dont understand. If your wife wont have sex with you, try not to jump to accusations, as this usually only makes things worse. Only once really in love. But I do it, why? Yet she constantly professes love. She even stopped expressing affection such as hand holding, goodbye kisses, etc. I feel I am supportive, helpful, etc but know Im not perfect. What should the husband do. I agree, once they stop theres nothing thats going to get them interested or willing to do it again. Yes, totally wrong. With a lot of talk and communication, we have made peace with our sex life. Im 63, sexless for many years, and your essay really hit home. By the way, I love, desire, and adore my husband, but I recognize I will never have my needs met after almost 50 years. The subtle ways dates, touching, hoping havent worked and although years have passed, neither of you really understands yet how the other feels. Been sleeping in separate beds since surgery. Expert Lists 13 Reasons, 43 Romantic Date Night Ideas For Married Couples, 44 Unique Birthday Wishes For Husband To Convey Your Love, 33 Most Romantic Things To Do For Your Wife, The Best 51 Anniversary Wishes For Husband, 6 Facts That Sum Up The Purpose Of Marriage. That's part of it, but in long-term relationships, sex is also the fastest route for a man to feel close and connected to his wife. My wife sleeps through most of this so I try to keep quiet and let her sleep. For the months it was possible, I felt like a real man again, and much stronger at home and work. // Replace PAGE_URL with your page's canonical URL variable Thanks for pointing out that marriage therapy can also help with problems about having a sexless marriage. Virtually every woman Ive been with, and there werent that many, experienced a lot of discomfort with me penetrating them no matter how gentle and slow I took it, with or without lube, and regardless of how excited they were). Our world is obsessed with sex and without understanding the unity of compassion, respect, close bonds after many years of being together. Didnt mean to lump all this on You but your comment triggered something. Even if he cant accept the divorce is coming!!! Weve been in counseling for a year. We havent had sex in 6 months and she has rejected my advances numerous times. Yes. Leave her, even if youre alone. We were together for 14 years. a great career in media..She seems to have lost interest in ME. However, some comments are not welcome here as violations of our Comment Policy. For senior sex news, tips, event and webinar announcements, and special offers,join Joans mailing list. I dont look my age at all! My husband and I separated recently. with increased relationship satisfaction and heightened orgasm frequency in women. Or does it not matter what the man wants? Nathan I am in exactly the same position as you. What does it mean when your wife doesn't show affection? Life is way too short! I am partly replying and partly commenting on the many very earnest and difficult sexless relationships discussed here. Really? The frequency began to dwindle a few years back and now has been more than a year since we have had sex. I try to get used to it. We are all misogynistic pigs that just need a hole for our poles. Reaching orgasm can become difficult or seem impossible.". Guys need intimacy too as well as sex and we love our spouses too. It wasnt until I got married at age 40 that I realized that my problem probably wasnt sexual boredom but something else. If your wife avoids intimacy and this lack of intimacy is beginning to take a toll on your marital bliss, it is time to have an honest conversation with your spouse. He is either not attracted to you, depressed, or preoccupied. Resentment Colors your entire relationship gray. She wasnt as attractive or as fine a dresser, and my adolescent mind didnt see her as the choice for my good looks. I am guilty of that. Susan!!! Its been a lonely and humiliating experience. I sense for it to get all the way to her not wanting to be touched whatsoever at all anymore, something must have happened. There are many reasons. Sure. We dated for 30 years and finally got married. I have a consulting business in devlopment now, because Social Security isnt enough to save money. I would do just about anything to have a willing partner like you! But. My wife and I are in our late 50s and connect wonderfully in all ways. I read the frustration and despair in your story and I thank you for being willing to share it here. I started seeing sex workers. Our marriage was sexless because I couldnt perform so we started seeing various kinds of Therapists but after 5 years we had no luck. Most of my female friends in their sixties are married to men who just stopped having sex, wanting sex, initiating sex or any kind of intimacy. Drying up was a major problem. Can we please talk about how we each feel about sex in our relationship? Leaving her is not an option. Must he provide her preferred amount of resources (which is much higher than he himself needs) while also accepting her preferred amount of sex (which is much lower than he himself needs) under the guise of equality? You have (understandable) guilt and shame about sex, undoubtedly influenced by your current predicament and the old trauma of feeling rejected during your first long-term partnership. "The identity of a young parent can become entirely entwined with that of the children. The lack of interested finally scuttled her interest to find help. Isnt it such a shame that Bob here, says he masturbates 3x a week and Im sitting here daydreaming what it would feel like to have it again after years that my husband just cant. Believe me when I say that she has really tried and every time it has turned out badly, I really feel like an ass for going along with the effort the she was making. Here are the 15 most probable reasons behind your wifes lack of interest in intimacy. Ive tried suggesting a date, but its hard to find something she wants to do or doesnt cost too much. Its incredibly painful!!!! She has very little interest in penetration. When having sex she has to do most of the work especially when it takes him 45 minutes to get hard and all she wants to do is go to sleep because tommorow will come before she knows it or if one of the kids wakes up because they couldnt sleep or they are sick. So around our house it is whispered, why is he mad? It has worked for me and I highly recommend it as an alternative to just giving up. If you guys love your wives and wanna stay till death and your having problems with containment, I lost all desire because I have no testosterone so its been a God send to me. I dont even bother to talk to her (all she does is whine and complain). Both Men and women slow down there sex drive but women sex drive is so on the back burner and frankly they dont care about mens sex drive needs. It got to the point that he wanted sex badly and was about to lose his mind. Agree, I have accepted the fact Im now in a sexless marriage, ugh! So I know him well, this is extremely painful and heartbreaking. Important note: The only way to find out exactly why your wife is not interested in sex is to ask her yourself. I told him I heard him doing that and I told him if he ever did that again I would divorce him. I didnt have children hoping and wishing things would change!!! Your wife may have become so involved in raising the kids that her relationship with you takes a backseat. My career came to a halt after my illness, due to a stigma related to my heart problems and brain surgery. Your situation is my situation ! (That is very thoughtful, I do all those things because my wife is Special and I want her to be happy) I have always shared the housework and dont mean picking up my clothes yes I am defensive because women dont believe med do housework. Add to that some other longstanding unresolved low sex drive and relationship problems caused by their mate (me) in the past, and strict un_affectionate anti_sex parents in her upbringing. Take care of yourself. You work, cook, clean, fix, dont drink or do drugs! "The typical, goal-oriented 'round-the-bases' approach to sex doesn't inspire, arouse, or satisfy women," relationship coach Bez Stone writes at mbg. Not a bar person.. any any suggestions. Having sex will actually help you physically and can add years to your life. I work hard and have to masturbate sometimes to fall asleep. We had a fantastic time learning each other and how to do it together! Also, make sure you share the housework equally, including the mental load. Susan.I second Seans reply to you. Talk to your wife about the lack of intimacy, 11 Lovely Ways To Date Your Spouse Spice Up YourMarriage, 200 Newlywed Game Questions For That Instant Bonding, 45 Questions To Ask Your Husband For A Heart-To-Heart Conversation, Why Is Marriage Important? It breaks my heart because we are so happy together in every other way, but I need the physical intimacy and to be desired and sex is something I enjoy and I feel like he is withholding it. If you deny one you put a wall around the other. Rich B, I am 64 and my wife has withheld sex with me for the the last 5 years. Invariably, its a case of emotional intimacy missing. I was being shipped out to Vietnam and we both were afraid of losing eachother. Thats not going to make you happy in the long run!!! I want to get divorced and he refuses to accept that our marriage just simply was never a Marriage. Even when a man has had prostate cancer, as my husband has, that does not mean he gets a free pass to close up shop and put his wife on the shelf the rest of her life. Amen. How I wish the girls would ask ME to dance at school dances. My wife is 54 and started menopause at 46. I live in my garage, shop, apartment and happy as clam no yelling and name calling. I just want to rebuild my life again, move on, be kissed and touched! . Let them know how their refusal to engage with you sexually has affected you emotionally, physically, mentally and pyschologically. Let the in-laws or best friend care for your children for a day or two. I have both physical and emotional desires that seem to be building resentment towards him. Take care. I agree 100%. I am in this marriage til death do us part but I feel like Im missing something very big in my life. The guy is obviously attracted to you and enjoys your company or why the 30 year dating? Do you feel my wife never initiates intimacy? Ill keep this short, but I could write a short novel. Work and motherhood can be overwhelming, so instead of asking her for sex at the end of the day when youre both exhausted, start planning for it. He is correct, the therapists want you to have hope so they can have the clients, I spent plenty on it and made numerous loving conversations. No one is talking about men who dont want to have sex. /* Still, feeling like your wife doesnt want sex anymore? I love him and want to please him even if I feel nothing or just help him reach release. Count your blessings mate! Is it something we should split over? My wife and I hadnt had sex for more than a year. For the writer of this letter/question . I would like to ask her if well ever have a sex life again, but she has a hard time talking about it. For me she is the best woman I have ever been with. I was married for 24 years. Shes my childhood sweetheart, has a lovely personality, a wonderful mother and a very sexy body and persona to boot.. We are peas in a pod. So, your wife has told you that her ex didn't treat her that well, yet she chased him. "Anatomically and physiologically, decreasing estrogen and just plain aging cause potential problems for our libido," Hardwick-Smith writes in her book. Not!! There is only one person I love adore and desire. Good luck. She likely doesn't want you to touch her bc whenever you do it leads to an implied intimacy interaction she doesn't want. If your wife doesnt feel attractive anymore, she may shy away from undressing in front of you. Join as many groups as you can, and leave him at home. From so many different angles I cannot begin to list. . 4. It may also be helpful for her to speak with her doctor to see if there are other treatment options that might help. The Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health. What to do about it: Remember that it's OK to not want sex with your partner sometimes. 10 years of this and going on5 years since last try, dont sleep in same be, snoring medical issues up down. If a couple's sex life continues to follow a routine that doesn't tend to feel good for the woman, she may lose interest in having sex entirely. Dang! Even with all the gadgets and hired help, modern women have a lot on their plate. We feel just as frustrated that our actions are not recognized by our women. Our devastation has completely made intimacy and sex impossible. Sex for men is like passing gas or eating: its just a physical thing that needs to get done. Sigh . This isnt one of those seasons things, she believing a lie from the devil to her, to destroy your marriage. But from a womans standpoint, we need emotional love BIG TIME before we can go there. That had bee. No human being should dominate another person. Most women find us as nothing more then a sex pig. Hormonal therapy can give you cancer, stroke. Having a regular marriage check-in can help you keep an eye on your relationship and ensure you are satisfied with how much time you spend together in the bedroom. Sexual intimacy is kissing, hugging, touching, petting, laying baked, masturbating one another, oral sex and that look of intensity that tells you that you are desired. They may be finding fulfilment on the computer/phone with others (just a guess) and so thats a big problem right there. In fact, I dont even feel were friends at this point, as we rarely speak to one another (unless I initiate a conversation) and whenever I try and initiate any affection or even merely suggest sex, he bristles, becomes hostile and defensive and thats that. Here is what the problem is when it comes to SEX. Regardless of the reason your wife has pulled away from you, you must confront the situation. Sometimes losing interest in sex with your spouse is a symptom of losing interest in the relationship overall. Have sexual experiences together that don't revolve around intercourse. A sexologist is not going to be able to overcome a lack or imbalance of hormones. My wife stop having sex with me its been 8 months. Its a two-way street as are most things in marriage. If you have always been the one to initiate intimacy in your relationship, take a step back and tell her how sexy you think it would be for her to be the one to reach out. I want my wife to be happy with the experience as well. They have cheated on us with themselves and their selfishness! And its been going that way for years. my dad still wants to have sex but my mom is too tired and no longer comfortable with sex. Her duty? What is the solution? Marriage is hard work, but worth every moment when the effort is reciprocated. If theres no intimacy in your marriage from your wife and youve realized that she may be suffering through mental health issues, Bonobologys panel of experienced therapists can help guide your partner through this turbulent time, and perhaps re-establish the harmonious relationship you yearn for. Its been a slow process in development, heading to the place we have arrived in our relationship. My guess is shes been trying to rid herself of me for many years but wants me to be the one to leave so she can save face with friends and family. I am happy all the time, my hair is twice as thick as it was before, I had urge incontinence, which completely disappeared, it cut my knee joint pain in half, and best of all, I love sex again. He said hed think about this. We now live in a society that it is selfish or disrespectful for a man to insist or ask for sex. I think if my husband was interested in sex, even if it is too small and limp now, he would at least try to help ease my throbbing desire. Now, I just want to be wanted by her. I am a married woman of 69 and my husband (also 69) lost all interest in sex quite some time ago. Still in love with Vicky. The last time we tried, she complained of the pain even with lubrication. Males are not embarrassed about describing a frigid or non sexual wife, but they will never mention their own lack of desire and often get angry if their partner inquires as to why? Sex was great and plentiful in beginning (weve been together 32yrs), but he has lost all interest and I havent had sex in years. Try to keep things fun and adventurous between the sheets so that your wife is unable to resist you. Every month Senior Planets award-winning senior sexpert Joan Price answers questions about everything from loss of desire to solo sex and partner issues. When I was single I would simply break off a relationship when the sexual problems would start. for signs she is interested in someone else. var disqus_config = function () { Im 47 and this happened to me. One of the scariest reasons your wife wont have sex with you may be that she has feelings or is being intimate with someone else. When I have a follow up, with a surgeon next month, even though it is not cancer, I will discuss wether or not I should give up the vaginal hormone. Just feel I want to hide away as I know this is not normal . I promised her I wouldnt embarrass her or shame her in front of family, friends, or church with an affair. Seriously? Make time when you are both relaxed. The difference is that men feel selfish and entitled, as if sex is only for their pleasure, something women do for them, hence the phrase put out. If men want more sex the this is what you should do. I so desired to be held, touched, kissed deeply and often, all the things that love should be about, but it wasnt to be. And I still dont even know why! I bet if a man did ever6a woman does in one day he would not bitch about sex he would pass out. I am not happy at not having anymore sex in my life at age 64, but I do care for her and she does care for me, not in the sexual way of course. this.page.url = PAGE_URL; I feared marriage for tears because I knew this is what it would be. Given the fact that 34%, (some studies say as high as 40%) of women and 15% of men dont like/want sex, is it any wonder that 50% of marriages end in divorce? I felt rejected at times, but I learned that what postpartum moms go through physically and emotionally is intense. My only suggestion would be to get out of this marriage and fast. We are wired so differently. She knows this is a psychological problem and doesnt reflect how I feel about her. Huddle up with your wife and ask, If there were something you could change about our sex life, what would it be?. Be truthful. We signed for our first mortgage when she was in ICU with fourth-stage cancer. It has been years since my wife and I have had sex. 3. If you build sex up to be a giant deal, youre putting pressure on both you and your wife. She wont do therapy and I dont want sex because someone forces her to. Slept in basement for a few years until I built my own space that had an apartment and work shop. Your stereotypes are both incorrect AND insulting. But after putting off marriage until I was 40 it too became sexless right after the wedding. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter. I hope that she too will woo me, always, as well. The role only involves the two lovers and an invited therapist they consented to. He's a great dad, and a considerate husband. Somehow I thought that would be my fix. He will not talk about that either. I told her that I did not want that, That I only wanted her but she said she loves me but has no sexual feelings, it is slowly destroying me and I do not know what to do, she refuses to talk about it, will not spoon in bed and pulls away from any hug. My beliefs are that I cannot step outside my marriage and commitment and it cost me some very good relationships with other women. On the other hand, another reason your wife is never in the mood may be related to menopause. I have a similar problem but my situation is somewhat different as I am not on a lot of meds, and I am not unhappy with my life as an individual, but with my husband well, yes I kind of am unhappy with that aspect of my life. If he would quit his demands, realize Im not who I was, be cheerful and easy, love life and just lighten up, Id make sure he is sexually satisfied WAY MORE OFTEN. Now masturbation does not work so well. Never did I roll over and fall asleep, and always tried to give her an orgasm until I had one. Without the energy of wooing, the fear of missing out if we do not woo, we fall into complacency and boredom. For many of us, male and female, the virtue of sex resides in the shared experience. . While its good to get to the root of the problem so you can resume a healthy, happy relationship, checking in with yourself is also good. Nothing before marriage, nothing on our wedding night and little to nothing for the next 46+ years. It may sound strange, but I actually take some comfort out of reading other peoples comments and stories: I am not alone I also dearly love my wife and would never leave her, but a sexless life (10+ years) is the sad reality. My doctor keeps a close eye on me too. I think that for me I need the human touch of a mature woman. Back issues and menopause have completely removed my interest in sex. That way both of our sex drive would be fairly low Im a good looking hard-working big hearted man and I immediately told her you better well I dont wanna hurt you. My wife will listen to my concerns about sex, but will not take hormone supplementation because of the science which indicates it can cause cancer in rare cases. I still plan/need to continue working in a high tech job many hours a week, with excellent insurance, which is fortunate, and there is no way she can drive or work for several decades now. Before the ink was dry on the marriage license, shed already decided she was done being nice. I miss the simple things. If you have a hunch your wife is dealing with body image issues, gently bring it up with her, and see if there are ways you can support herwithout making it seem like you're critiquing her body or suggesting she needs to change the way she looks. But we are kidding ourselves if we somehow justify a womans position requiring fidelity in a sexless marriage. Be grateful you were able to find someone in life to love and be loved by, many of us take this for granted not realizing how many lonely people there are out there who were never as lucky as we have been. I also think they pretend to be happy. Perfectly happy and have intention to change it. lol. Shortly after, our daughter in law and our granddaughters moved out of state. Sorry about no sex demise. I could do as well financially as a single person and there are women who would be happy with what I can provide, both financially and intimately. I am at my wits end. All that said, unless your wife has a known health condition that she's currently managingor she's had a very sudden and significant change in her sex drivedon't assume that her lack of interest in having sex with you means something is medically wrong with her. I hear a lot of men on here talk of leaving their wives over this. If I threw a fit, she would allow it but Buck is correct, who wants to have sex with someone who is repulsed by the act of sex. Copyright 2023 Older Adults Technology Services, Inc. All rights reserved. Husbands (and I was one) are men who figured out too late that they are being played for fools. 7 years no sex!!! I tried to think that it was OK, I still had company and friendship. Period. If you would like to express a comment about Senior Planet locations or programs, please contact supporters@seniorplanet.org. Hes changing tooisnt capable of long walks or hikes anymore, which is still something I love to do. At this stage, you may be right about getting help. Weve been married for 26 years, she is 51, and she has had maybe 4 years total where she was interested in sex. In a long-term relationship, the partner with the higher libidowhich is not always . As the years tick away, I am reminded of going to sleep in one anothers arms, morning sex, spontaneous make out sessions and feeling desired. Being uncomfortable in their own skin and ashamed of the extra weight is a common reason why women start avoiding physical intimacy with their spouses.