why do i feel responsible for my family's happiness why do i feel responsible for my family's happiness

Habits do involve thoughts and feelings (very much so), but they also are strongly behavior-oriented. Another lives miles away but calls her every few days because she knows the friend is lonely and feels sorry for her. Are you causing your own suffering? Examples: There was a fiery crash on the interstate. We come to fear the imagined consequences of this, and we increase our fear and worry with an. You deserve your own happy life! I took responsibility for everyone and everything for the better part of my lifeto my own detriment. :), My anxiety triggered from a bully in authority I don't remember a lot of what he said but I remember saying over and over again to stop mind-messing me and you don't know who I am hours of this went on I have never been the same so much of the past which was locked tightly away the flood gates were open and I don't know how to close the gates I try for help but I'm so mixed up no one seems to know how to help me I am giving up and letting myself fall through the cracks of the system I'm too tired the battle within my brain wins this time. spirituality, Gut Health: My Experience with SIBO, Gut Inflammation, GERD and Stress, Blogs Have her committed for a 72 hour watch. How do you deal with a narcissistic mother? With love, Sandra. We, my children and I, never, EVER do enough for her. As far as the 'suicide threat' goes, it's bs, you know that. It's never the responsibility of someone else. I had to liquidate all of their assets, put them in my name, and take over their financial care as well as everything else. Being a responsible person helps us to: Be more honest: When we tend to tell the truth and keep our promises, the people around us will . They do not need to apologize, fix, or encourage you. Hi! Caring for others is a character strength. People who can grow from their setbacks are more likely to succeed and to feel better about themselves. I am an only child. I once worked with a symbiotic couple where it was clear that the husband could not deal with his wifes anger toward him, so he constantly belittled her pain by not listening or being sarcastic. Children who. They will die if you leavelife isn't worth living. You dont need to feel guilty about a single one. He pointed out that I shut off the TV when he comes in, (he hates TV, I love it) I don't change the music I'm listening to when he comes in and I won't even use the shelves he's cleared off as storage for me, instead I pay a storage facility. Im just this way. My father was like this too, so Ive got the genes for smoking.. Any "friends" she has I really think its because people feel sorry for her. We have lived in our town since 1975. I've always been a people-pleaser, the mediator, the one in the room who tries to see it from the fringe perspective. You just might eliminate this cause of anxiety and create inner peace. You will discover a renewed appreciation toward your partner because they are willing and strong enough to meet you and your pain without reacting or crumbling. Again, huge thanks for taking the time to reply to this question and for your caring response. Oh my, your situation sounds a lot like mine. As long as she is safe and getting her medical and physical needs met, whatever else you offer her is your choice. Let's look at an example from both the perspective of a mother who feels her child's happiness is her responsibility and a mother who provides good support for her child's big feelings without the belief that she is responsible for his happiness. How to Change Your Diet So That You Have Fun and Feel Good! If a child knows that he or she can truly tell Mom and Dad anything and still be accepted and loved, then that child is more . In this process, while youre allowing them to experience what they need to experience, and trusting that theyre being guided, just give yourself this opportunity to be in prayer for them. How to Stop the Misery: Notice when you blame yourself. AgingCare.com connects families who are caring for aging parents, spouses, or other elderly loved ones with the information and support they need to make informed caregiving decisions. Am I a terrible person? True, in some situations, like in your work life, you may often need to play a role to get by. The material of this web site is provided for informational purposes only. If only I had her looks! If only I had his personality! Social comparison is an unending source of misery for most of us, because there will always be someone who is more beautiful, funnier, wiser, or richer. You were NEVER responsible for your mom's happiness (or lack thereof). Shell38314, Awesome advice, and thank you so much! My 21-Day Meditation Challenge can help you feel calm, connected and more in touch with your inner voice of wisdom. How to Honor Your Feelings. Not taking responsibility for someone's happiness is much different that not caring about others' feelings, thoughts, etc. 4-6 If you have said 'yes' to nearly half you are probably in the process of separating but need to go further. Im not talking about bottled water either, just the water that flows through the pipes into your house or apartment. You might find something similar that you like, too. Use your newly forming beliefs to shift your actions away from people-pleasing and more toward people-supporting (and you are a people to support, too). You are defining a co-dependent relationship here 100%. Mom has reached the denial stage regarding everyday dumb stuff. Youre not to blame for everything, but you are responsible for yourself. This friend was going through a tough time, and when my friend left, she felt this heavy weight on her. Only stick around and engage with her when she's being nice to you. Here's How to Recover and Repair, 7 Ticking Time Bombs That Destroy Loving Relationships, The Single Best (and Hardest) Thing to Give Up. Reflect on this profound idea often, until it becomes a part of your being. That does not mean being oblivious to their hurt. Her work can be found on Role Reboot, Alternet, and on her blog: Two Parts Smart-Ass; One Part Wisdom. Subscribe to Wild Arisings, twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas that will help you connect with and live from your truest self. Skip to the front of the line by calling (888) 848-5724. We can't be responsible for our elderly parent's happiness. She had one weapon our mothers never had though. She was queen and would accuse her children of treason if they did anything she didn't like. Everything is constantly evolving and changing in this intricate dance of interconnectedness, relationship, and mutual influence. We believe the responsibility for others happiness rests on our shoulders. Gordon, L. H. (1996). I only recommend products and brands I passionately believe in, but wanted you to know that when I make a recommendation, I may receive a referral fee. Mine will say she is going to jump out the window, and I'll remind her that wouldn't do the job b/c she lives on the ground floor of the building. I'm Sandra Pawula - writer, mindfulness teacher and advocate of ease. Please don't give up! I'm going to. I was told that he's not responsible for my emotional reaction because he cannot help that I was hurt. He worryingly scanned his wifes face and whispered, Well, actually, 2 out of 10.. I just need a few things to get you going. Things can always be worse. Sometimes it's easier to blame yourself for a problem than to accept that the situation was never within your control. With me changing they changed and after time b/c they couldn't push the same buttons the had before. The changes youre making to overcome toxic guilt can make you feel self-critical, e.g. Self-acceptance is usually a positive thing, but not if you are using it as an excuse to avoid the work of necessary change. You sound like a very caring person. 11 views, 0 likes, 0 loves, 1 comments, 0 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Jumpstart Coaching Lab: Want to know the difference between success or failure as a financial professional? A friend was telling me about how she was visiting a very close friend of hers. When we invite spirit in through prayer we return to our right mind and find acceptance. You may find yourself trying to have fun in ways that are not really fun. Unless you are writing a novel or a screenplay, using your imagination to spin tales that are outrageous, hurtful, or even horrifying can be harmful to your sanity and peace of mind. I will go and borrow the book from my library today, that sounds great. How do you deal with a narcissistic mother? SHE is the queen and should be chauffeured around, yada yada. That number felt too high for the reality of their current symbiotic avoidance of pain. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), an approach that focuses on our thoughts and actions, is effective in reducing the anxiety caused by responsibility for others' happiness. Responsibility allows you to create principles, morals and helps you to lead your life. You feel to blame if your child goes off in a bad way. Keep an open mind. You feel youre responsible for your parents marital conflicts. Begin to question it. Mom has reached the denial stage regarding everyday dumb stuff. We have to trust that no one will change until they want to be changed. I'm living with a man right now, and I'm driving him crazy, because he says I don't "live" in the house with him. I'm a senior care specialist trained to match you with the care option that is best for you. I'm an only child, too (at 62 years old, for petesake), and my mother has made me the focus of her entire life, calling it 'love' and 'caring'. She'll call me on a Sunday very angry, saying she's been sitting around all day. My family will witness the joy and Divine Heavens, which no man, were they to glimpse just a taste of what it promises, would turn their back on this pure happiness in My Father's Kingdom. Heal trauma, unlearn fear and remember love. Often, we believe that if we cater to what everyone wants, theyll be happy and we can avoid unpleasant conflict. The weight will be lifted and youll be able to show up for your loved one AND yourself. (he's in a pretty dark place right now, I'm employed, he's not). Having grown up in a family where it was ' my job' to keep my mother contented, I am finally calling her out on it. You are not responsible for the way your partner feels. Modern culture encourages us to think that we are free, independent agents. Happiness is an individual responsibility. Taking responsibility for others happiness causes anxiety. We can say, I accept you and I honor you, but I cant be a part of this.. But codependents make the leap of feeling responsible for others' pain and happiness. She seems to like it best when all of my waking hours are focused on my "to-do" list. sidebar It seems like it is your husband who misunderstands. My family is my strength in hard times. She shared that she felt it was a 2 when he said his original 8, and she was actually glad that he admitted openly what she (and I) clearly sensed. Does this belief govern your life and well-being as well? Could you STOP right now? You feel its your fault when other people feel bad. Rich people in idillic enviable lives can be depressed, as proven by the not too unusual celebrity overdose or suicide. spirituality. I really don't believe that's the intention of the thought, but maybe I'm wrong? You may feel responsible for other people's happiness and/or health. I can do everything my husband might want as he wants it done and he can still choose to be unhappy, or he may have underlying depression or anxiety. And, in fact, trying to take on the responsibility of another person's happiness can hurt them in the long run and deprive them of miracles. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! I used to think that at some point my parents would wake up and realize what they had been doing to me. Trust in the power of your intentions and your prayer, and know that they are enough. You couldnt survive a day if it werent for the kindness of others. How did it arrive in your hands? How to Stop the Misery: Instead of comparing your situation to that of others, make your own life as good as possible. As Lori Gordon writes, you might be a factor in their life that influences their experience, but you cannot take responsibility for their emotional happiness. Scribe Publications. (A clue that youre doing this is neglecting your own needs and desires.) Start tuning into your actions. It is such a common pattern of thinking, feeling, and doing, and you're right - it causes problems. health How to Stop the Misery: Notice your own belief system about change. Feeling responsible for others happiness is a complex relationship of interrelated thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. When you try to fix someone else, you just get in the way of their potential to experience this miracle. I feel this is unhealthy. Give them the chance to experience exactly what they need to experience, and dont be afraid of it. 4. Most of us have been taught that we are responsible for our loved ones feelingsthat we need to make sure they're not feeling sad or lonely. I'm not saying he needs to announce what happens to the world, but I don't feel that asking for some sort of closure can be asking too much. Youll feel immediate relief. but dont believe it. With the first one, you have empathy and are kind to those in your life, but you know that you can't make them happy at their core. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness. How can I be feeling this way?. I've personally wallowed in every one of the 10 Misery-Makers at some point in my life. I should be able to handle this. Self-awareness is essential for change. I can help you compare costs & services for FREE! Someone had to dig the trenches for the pipes, didnt they? Again, just notice thoughts to become more attuned to them. Give it a try. Fast forward to 2011. If you can stay grounded and not retreat and apologize for what you just said, over time your partner may return to this topic with a question or may wish to share his or her own hurt on this matter. You might think this is only a problem for people with very low self-esteem. Tell her it is for her blood pressure, because it will help that too. Make her take responsibility for her own health. Accepting others where they are and forgiving them doesnt mean that you let someone walk all over you. And I've found it is a mistake to "keep the peace" in someone else's marriage. So don't rob your partner of a chance to grow! How do I know, you ask? I am the original poster and I would like to thank everyone for responding. My SuperSoul Sessions Talk: The 5 Steps to Spiritual Surrender, Blogs She is not going to change this while this stays true. spirituality, My Interview on Oprahs SuperSoul Sunday, Blogs If you are worrying over a problem that actually could arise in the future, make a realistic plan and write it down. Thank you for your presence, I know your time is precious! You've got great insight and motivation -- two of the most important ingredients for making positive changes. I was finally able to BREATHE. You are responsible FOR your words, choices, dreams, feelings and TO him. When I started reading these books it was like a light went off and I felt like I could breathe. I just need a few things to get you going. My mom will call me and say "Are you out with your FRIENDS? Johnson It can be hard to find moments of happiness in these uncertain times, but it can be even harder to hold onto those moments. Group therapy is great for this. 3 steps to follow when you want to fix other people's problems When you feel the urge to be the fixer, follow the three steps I outline below. How much effort and energy will I have to invest in cheering them up or asking for forgiveness? Over time, such mental effort can lead you to start avoiding your partner, since you already have enough on your plate. One of the practices is a beautiful prayer that will help you release the desire to fix someone or be responsible for their happiness. Science and Behavior Books. She felt a responsibility to make sure her friend was okay. You are responsible for no onew happiness except your own. For example, you can learn to listen instead of interrupting. The most unloving thing we can do is try to change them. There's a huge difference between having empathy for your partner and being attuned to their emotions, and adopting your partner's mood anytime it changes, regardless of how you actually feel . Moving myself is not an option and she's threatened suicide if I try to move her to a senior apartment or anywhere at all. Misery-Maker 4: Blaming yourself for things you can't control. We worry about others, and we blame ourselves for their unhappiness. Old Medication, New Use: Can Prazosin Curb Drinking? What I wonder is if you know of any literature I could read to support me in making the small incremental changes you mention above? You have to stop doing what you are doing that makes this her best option. Where does it come from? The hard truth is that there was little, if anything, they could have done. If she does not want to socialize, spend time and effort with others, well of course she will be lonely. The only person you can truly change is yourself and how you deal with the abuse they dish out. The 2 Most Psychologically Incisive Films of 2022, The Surprising Role of Empathy in Traumatic Bonding, Two Questions to Help You Spot a Clingy Partner-to-Be. Tanya J. Petersonis the author of numerous anxiety self-help books, including The Morning Magic 5-Minute Journal, The Mindful Path Through Anxiety, 101 Ways to Help Stop Anxiety, The 5-Minute Anxiety Relief Journal, The Mindfulness Journal for Anxiety, The Mindfulness Workbook for Anxiety, and Break Free: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy in 3 steps. Get personalized guidance from a dedicated local advisor. APA ReferencePeterson, T. We need more space than other people. Recall any times you took responsibility for what yourereallynot responsible for and consider how it impacted you. As a result I've always been a little extra "sensitive" to people's moods, and behaviors. Use compassion to tame your inner critic and remind yourself that its okay to have these emotions. Eventually, they turn on you and make your life miserable, even cut it short. Behind their backs it's another story entirely. It'd be impossible to take responsibility for someone else's happiness. here. Site last updated March 4, 2023, Stressed, Anxious When Things Are Good? Anyway, dad passed in 2015 and mom is still alive & living in the same ALF, going downhill faster than a bowling ball on an ice covered mountain. Misery-Maker 6: Creating suffering through bad habits and addictions. Because you wrote MY story! Attract everything you want with my most impactful meditations. Welcome to my island of sanity and serenity. Or books on this topic specifically? No, you are not misunderstanding this! Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. Mingyur Rinpoche, "How to Train Your Monkey Mind." Old Medication, New Use: Can Prazosin Curb Drinking? A like-minded woman who empowers . I'm not sure though. Consider the glass of water you drink first thing in the morning. Certainly, in any healthy relationship. What beliefs feed that worry? Each person is responsible for his/her inner contentment and happiness. We need more time. He offers online individual, couple, and family therapy. My life is more than busy and full. Validating an emotion doesn't mean that you agree with the other . There is no reason for you to feel guilty. I want to run away. Get out and spend time with friends and create your own positive environment which will also work to lessen the effects you feel from your mom's criticisms. Yes, you can help mom find resources, but that is it. I feel guilty any time I am doing something for myself or having fun. If this is the case with you, figure out how best to express who you are in other areas of your life. As an adult, I feel responsible for my wife's happiness. Emotional validation is the process of learning about, understanding, and expressing acceptance of another person's emotional experience. Its hard not feeling guilty when your mom makes you feel like a bad daughter for not including her in everything. But you can learn to stop any misery you might be inflicting on yourself. This self-talk keeps you from getting the emotional support that you need. Eventually, I learned this belief is just another fabrication of the mind that has no basis in reality. She had nine children, didn't want them to be friends with each other or have outside friends, infantilized her adult children and held grudges against them for their whole lives concerning events from their adolescence. You're very welcome, Maria! You cant be responsible for everything because you are not autonomous. When theyre ready for that change to come into their life, then youll be there. These are opportunities to pivot, to hit our knees and fully surrender. You feel mortified when something goes wrong at work, even when it's a team effort. Self-talk like this makes you think you have to be perfect instead of the fallible human being that you arethat we all are. Read more about escaping negative self-talk here: Heres an additional resource to further help you with your toxic guilt: https://www.just-me-i-am-me-mental-health-forum.com/post/7-ways-to-combat-toxic-self-talk-using-compassion, https://blog.iqmatrix.com/eliminate-guilt. How Psychologically Conditioned Rats Are Defusing Landmines, The Innate Intelligence Observed in the Dying Process, 3 Ways to Reclaim Your Hope and Happiness, Not Listening? AgingCare.com does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment; or legal, or financial or any other professional services advice. Someone made you have to hone in on their feelings early in life, to stay safe..and you were trained to know if you do not make them feel better..you will somehow suffer..or be blamed or feel more pain. For example, Whether I lose weight or not, I am a worthwhile person who deserves love. Practice self-compassionbe kind to yourself by softening your judgment and treating yourself like your own best friend. The fact is you can heal only your half of . That is unavoidable and natural. It absolutely is possible to break this cycle later in life. Spirit accepts what is true, which is that we are all love. Only your mom can make herself happy. The pressure to be responsible for my mother's happiness weighs heavily. Notice when you are catering to the needs of others. Live each day, and each day do something little for yourself. As common as this is, there isn't a lot of literature dedicated specifically to this topic. Find me on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Instagram, and Pinterest. Happiness comes from within, people in miserable circumstances can be happy. Many of life's difficulties are out of your control. You can create an exercise program. It means living in alignment with the way the world is rather than according to a false belief likely planted in your mind as a child. What is the one thing that bothers you the most about caregiving? By consistently practicing to accept someone where they are and see them with compassion, you realign with your true love nature. For the most part, you cant control the actions of other adults, though you may have influence. Instead, commit to being fully responsible for yourselffor your own thoughts, words, and actions. The idea is to use the letters in STOP to remind you how to STOP your own self-caused suffering: S = See what you are doing to yourself. Just recognizing that you are hurting yourself is a big step forward. Video here. How to Stop the Misery: Change it and you language to I language. How many people participated in bringing it to you? Feeling solely responsible for the happiness of others, no matter how well-intended, causes anxiety. If she suicides, it will be her choice for which you are not responsible and you can make that clear to her. Important note: If you are in an abusive relationship, visit The National Domestic Violence Hotline online or call 18007997233 or TTY 18007873224. Gillihan, Seth: "Do People Really Change?". Misery-Maker 7: Comparing yourself to others. PostedAugust 22, 2019 Remember to breathe and to stay open and loving toward your partner. I am only 52, have a husband and a more-than-full-time job. 13 Small Decisions That Will Ease Anxiety. Tell her she is responsible for her own happiness. I don't want to take care of my mother anymore but I don't want to put her in a home. Recent research suggests that you can even change aspects of your personality that seem inborn and permanent. Finally, if someone you love does come to you asking for help, there are some resources you can share. When you don't let yourself become anxious and stressed trying to make sure that everyone is happy but are still kind, you are caring about yourself and about others. I'm matching you with one of our specialists who will be calling you in the next few minutes. You feel you're responsible for your parents' marital conflicts. Nope. I include some resources around addiction recovery in this postand at the bottom of this post. It's Taking the Leap: Freeing Ourselves from Old Habits and Fears by Pema Chodron. A practice of gratitude is one of the easiest and most rewarding good habits you can develop. You don't have to people-please and experience anxiety in order to care about your family. I cried the other day because I bought steak to try and cheer him up and he decided to skip dinner. It is our job to be there for them no matter how they feel. Although it does take work, you can decide to change behavioral habits and do it successfully. It might even feel selfish NOT to intervene and take care of things. Thank you for a great article. You might also like to check out my Living with Ease courseor visit mySelf-Care Shop. People to sit quietly and hold space for us. by: E.B. These bad habits may seem like they relieve stressand they may indeed relieve stress in the short runbut they are false friends. Your family members are lucky to have you. Sometimes I believe that all parents do things for their. A recent review of over 200 studies indicated that therapy could cause personality changes relatively quickly, even in as little as 4-8 weeks. Two elements threaten harmonious relations with parents and adult siblings, in-laws and adult children: lack of time and an abundance of emotional memories. So if you dont want to keep your partner and your loved ones undifferentiated, and if you want to grow, then remember that you are not responsible for their feelings. So now let us examine the different steps you can take to soften the symbiotic reactivity of your intimate relationships and allow your partner to share their aching openly.